| Bárbara 的个人资料...and so it is!照片日志列表 |  工具  帮助 |
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1月11日 Words of pledging trust and lifetimes stretchin' foreverSo here I am, sitting in a cheap café having a late meal, after a hectic search for the perfect wedding dress. Three days, three travel cards, several hours in the tube and sixteen dresses after, I can say "mission accomplished". I found the perfect dress for my--well, our--big day.
So many things have changed since September 4th. So many, that it looks like a year, and not five months, has gone by. I also feel like I've been several different people throughout the past four months.
Excitement, anticipation, curiosity, openness, luck, kindness, home-sickness, loneliness, isolation, confusion, self-questioning, thoughtfulness, guilt, wonderment, anger, tenderness, beauty, willingness to learn, grow and forgive, anxiety, disappointment, joy, hope. All these are feelings I've felt so far at different stages of my stay in the UK and my moving-in experience with Ross. But the one thing I've felt the most is a deep, powerful love that I can't even start to describe. Is it so big and fantastic there's no way of tracing it down within myself? I can't describe it, I just can't.
I like descriptions, I like to know and sort of "label" whatever is going on with me, so it was obvious to me that I wanted to describe my feelings from the very beginning. But I've given up. All I can say is that this is the greatest love I've ever felt. How? What is it like? How does it feel? What makes it so deep? I just don't know!!!
The future doesn't scare me at all. I'm not anxious about what might happen with Ross and me in the years to come. It may be because I learnt in the past that enjoying present time, rather than focusing too much on long-term hopes and expectations, is far less stressful, healthier, and certainly more pleasant.
This doesn't mean that I can't/don't picture myself with Ross in five, ten, twenty years time, because I surely do. But I'm pretty aware that achieving that is an ongoing goal for both of us to reach, and that those years to come will be impossible if we don't work on our relationship now, today, every day.
The happiness, stability, and level of self-esteem Ross has brought to my life are priceless and hard to put in words. He's made me more sensitive, more caring, less selfish. More human. I dread an argument with him. I long for his calming, warm presence. I feel so incomplete without him I can cry. And he makes me so happy that just recalling a beautiful memory shared with him can make me cry too. The other day I imagined the day he will die, nothing too vivid or tangible, just the fact that he was no longer here with me. And I was tearful in less than five seconds. Ross touches a string of emotions that I ignored I had before. He has reached a piece of me that no one had ever even been close to.
I recall how he proposed almost three months ago and I cry too (I had been incapable of crying for months, maybe I'm catching up?). That powerful, yet subtle bonding we felt that night as we hugged each other in the middle of the street is, again, something so marvellous I can't describe.
As much as I've always been good describing things, I think all I can say now is very simple, more like a list than a detailed description: I'm happily engaged to a beautiful, kind, and brilliant man, I'll be married in less than three months, and the process to get to that point (marriage) is pretty much like a scavenger hunt, a stressful but yet delicious adventure I know we'll share with our children, family, and friends for a long time. I reckon this is too fucking beautiful and deep that there are no accurate words to even start describing it. |
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